Home
by the-singular-peep
Summary: She hadn't been home long. Maybe four days, tops, and the nineteen year old had spent most of that time asleep. Murdoc was glad she was sleeping, because if she was asleep, she couldn't confront him. If she couldn't confront him, he could continue to wallow in self pity without the confirmation that he had broken the one person he loved. [TAKES PLACE AFTER EL MANANA DEBACLE]


**_Home_**

She hadn't been home long. Maybe four days, tops, and the nineteen year old had spent most of that time asleep.

Murdoc was glad she was sleeping - she was absolutely tiny for her age anyways, and the long trip literally to Hell and back hadn't done her health any favors. She needed the rest, even if that meant when Russ would wake her up every hour on the hour to drink some water or have a snack she'd get pissy with him.

Russel had been with her the most since they had both gotten back. Of course he was - even before the _El Manana_ incident, he had been the one to pretty much raise her, at least in the way of needs. Murdoc wouldn't have been surprised that he was the only one that could get her to drink water through her feverish stare and bloodshot eye even if he _hadn't_ have gone on part of her journey with her.

The minute the Fed-Ex crate arrived at Murdoc's doorstep for the second time in his life - and six days later than it should have been received, he would later find out - the top was pried off with the three remaining members watching, and Noodle stood up. She was terribly scrawny, and terribly pale, and her hair was much thinner than it had been. She was taller, and her figure had filled out some, but she was still _tiny._ The guitarist stood up, muttered a tiny, "Surprise," and then collapsed over the edge of the box, knocking it over with her.

Where Murdoc just stared, and 2-D began to sputter something nonsensical and confused, Russel had jumped to action. He was the only one who had even seen Noodle alive since El Manana, and, even though the others had been informed of her life, they still hadn't fully believed it. And so, while the two stood there in a happy and surprised shock, Russel took over. He hadn't seen her in two years now, but that was a lot closer than the last time the others had seen her. He had explained to 2-D and Murdoc the stories he heard of Noodle when they had travelled together to plastic beach, and then had gone over how they lost each other after the attack. It was hard to watch Russel, Murdoc decided, because now that Noodle was gone again the man seemed utterly destroyed. It was no wonder he took to it so fast when she arrived back at their doorstep.

These past few days, Russel had spent almost every waking moment in Noodle's room with her, even if he wasn't exactly the right size yet to fit in the door comfortably. He was the one to request a thermometer, and Ramen Noodles, and fresh sheets when she couldn't hold that down. He was the one to sit beside her in her haze for the first day, and nurse her back to health. She wasn't quite aware enough yet, but he had even laid down the law by telling Murdoc and 2D that the second she was, he was taking her to the doctor and they were not rehearsing until the doctor gave it the okay.

D was there, too, just not quite as much. Before, the two had been thick as thieves - Big brother and baby sister, always up to mischief. He was the King of playing Barbies, and pulling pranks, and even just simply playing tag through the halls of Kong Studios. Murdoc wasn't really sure how the kid had pulled out of the depression he got into after Noodle, but to be fair, he wasn't sure how he had come out of his own, either. 2-D had been going into Noodle's room maybe once a day for the past almost-week, usually with a book or a funny picture on his phone. On the rare event that she was awake when he went in, Russel would give the duo a few minutes and 2-D would talk at Noodle and try to make her smile.

The only one who hadn't tried to spend time with the girl was Murdoc. He knew he should - he had been utterly destroyed when she had gone away. But he couldn't bring himself to look at her - when he did, he was reminded of his failure.

He was the reason this had all happened.

He was the reason she had gone to Hell.

He was the reason her eye was swollen and infected.

He was the reason for all of this, and he was so afraid that she knew it. Murdoc didn't know what he would do if she confronted him, because he knew it was all true. Deep down, he knew that if she was angry with him it might be the final straw. He was honestly scared what he would do to himself if she hated him. She had every right to, and if she did, Murdoc really didn't have much to live for.

2-D would be happier with him gone. Russel probably would be, too. And if she hated him… Maybe Noodle would be better off with him gone anyways.

The days after she had first gone down, Murdoc had almost done it. 2-D's pills were so close by, and the booze was so tempting. He had drowned himself in men and women, and in alcohol and in Xanex. He had failed the one he cared about most.

Somehow, when he found 2-D, all washed up and stuffed in a suitcase, he kind of snapped out of it and he made it through for a long time. When that Fed-Ex box arrived, though…

Murdoc was hurting. He couldn't look at her. It broke him to look at her, and he was being admittedly selfish to try and ignore it. The past four days, rather than party and have sex, Murdoc had simply slept. He had slept and slept and slept, only coming out of his room for cold pizza or to pee, because he didn't deserve to slip under to drugs and he couldn't force himself to face all the bad he had done.

On day 5, Murdoc woke up at three am and had had enough. He needed something to drink - fu** it, he didn't care if he deserved it or not. He didn't care if he was being selfish again, he needed to drink and _forget._

Since Noodle had come back, the other two men had developed rather normal sleeping patterns. Russel had stayed up through the night with Noodle the first night, but now he was sleeping in a sleeping bag by her bed at night. 2-D had been getting good rest, too - Murdoc didn't even think he'd seen the boy slip out at midnight to smoke like he was known to do. Noodle was good for them.

Well, not for everyone, Murdoc thought as he creaked his door open and began to walk down the hallway in nothing but sweatpants, but he deserved all the bad feelings seeing her was bringing up.

He scratched his butt as he walked into the kitchen and reached to the back of the rusty fridge to pull out a package of wine coolers (It was all Russel had allowed them to keep in the house since Noodle came home). He took the whole case with him into the tiny living room and plopped himself down on the couch, turning the television on low and cracking open the first fruity drink.

He'd be lying if he said he didn't like the taste of the drinks, but that wasn't the reason he was drinking them. He wished they were stronger; he had built up a good tolerance over the years and he needed to be hammered as fast as he could.

He was opening his second bottle when he heard shaky, shuffling footsteps make their way down the hall. He ignored it - maybe he had been to quick to judge 2-D's health. It was probably just him on his way down for a smoke. He heard a thud and a little whine and rolled his eyes. The blue haired man had always been crazy clumsy. Well, maybe not always, but ever since Murdoc had…

He flicked the lid off the bottle and started chugging, and heard the shuffling footsteps move from behind him to the right and into the bathroom. The door shut and he gave a sad little laugh, because 2-D had never shut the bathroom door before. Maybe having Noodle back was inspiring even more good behavior than he had previously thought.

He had emptied half his third bottle when he heard the toilet flush and the sink turn on, and he closed his eyes to the sound of running water. He heard it shut off, and then he heard the shuffling, and when he opened his eyes again he could see that the light was still on.

"Hey, a*shat, turn out the light when you're done takin' a sh*t," He crowed, craning his head over the shoulder of the couch and seeing…

Noodle. She was dressed in an oversized pair of socks and one of Russel's long sleeve shirts that went down past her knees. Her short hair was sticking up and messy, and the wetness of her infected eye glistened in the light.

She froze midstep when he noticed her, and Murdoc could practically feel her heartbeat speed up.

"Why are you up?" Was all he could think to ask, because maybe the heartbeat wasn't her's after all. His heart felt like it would jump right out of his chest as soon as it got the chance to.

"Had to piss." She croaked, and the man before her cringed hard when he heard how sick and shattered her voice sounded.

"Don't use that word." He said, turning back around to face the TV that he wasn't watching. He picked up his bottle, eyes wide and heart still beating at 140 beats per minute. "And go back to bed."

Murdoc threw his head back and drank the rest of the wine cooler when he heard the shuffling again, and when it was empty he threw it onto the ground and let his head loll back. Tears were prickling his eyes and he hated that. Hated that she had the power to do that to him. Hated that he had given her reason to cause him remorse.

He didn't know how long his eyes had been closed for, but soon enough he felt a shift in the couch, and then he felt a very small and bony hand press onto his thigh. The hand stepped off of his thigh and onto the other side of him as another pressed into his thigh again, followed by a knee. The body that the hands and knee belonged to settled onto his lap. He knew who it was, and it wasn't just the fever burning onto his legs that gave it away. Without thinking, he set a hand on its back.

"Noodle." He said softly, opening his eyes and looking at her tiny, battle-worn figure. He was slightly buzzed now, and that was just enough to take away the anger that normally would have accompanied this situation to cover up his emotions. Tears pooled in his eyes, and he cursed. "I'm sorry."

He doubted she heard it, it was so tiny, but the apology slipped out without his permission. He was about to just run his mouth to avoid whatever confrontation she was going to give him when he noticed her form shaking just slightly, and a salty wetness on seeping through his pant leg. Her breathing was ragged, like she was avoiding sobbing with all of her might, and it broke Murdoc's heart. When Noodle spoke next, it was soft and cracked and broken, and a word he never thought he'd hear again.

"Papa.."

Murdoc stopped his tongue from saying something selfish and inconsiderate. Instead, he ran his fingers through her hair and said softly, "I know, my love, I know it hurts,"

"No," Noodle croaked, and her hot little fingers grabbed Murdoc's pant leg. "No, that's not..."

Honestly, Murdoc didn't know what to do. She sounded so broken, and that was something that Noodle had never been before. She was their joy, their laughter, their smile after a rainy day. And now - now she isn't, not in any way shape or form. She's hurting, and grieving, and probably - probably in need of major therapy after what Murdoc put her through. And now she's saying she can't, and Murdoc's heart clenched.

"Not what, dearest?"

"I – I'm not ready to be like this." She whispered back, and Murdoc was pretty sure she wouldn't remember this in the morning because her skin was burning hot and her eyes were foggy with sickness.

She wasn't really thinking her words through, wasn't in a state of enough coherence to do so. She was fevered, and exhausted, and hungry and sad, and the words weren't coming to her. She buried her face into Murdoc's sweatpants, hoping for him to magically understand what she was trying to say.

"Like what, sweet?" When he finally responded, his voice was gravelly and old, but to Noodle, his voice was Home.

"Grown." She squeaked, her breath labored. "I.. I missed you papa. I'm.. I'm not ready to be a grown up."

Murdoc sucked in a breath and kept petting her head. "I missed you too, my dear. I'm sorry."

"I can't.. it hurts, Murdoc. I never got to grow up. Just one day.. One day I was hunting a demon and being shot at and taking care of myself – " A sob broke her off. "I want to be a kid again, riding on Toochie's shoulders and being held and coddled. Papa, I can't do this,"

"Oh, my love, I think your fever is talking there," Murdoc finally responded, laughing a very small laugh out of nervousness and continuing to pet Noodle's hair.

"No, no, it's not," Noodle grumbled, scrubbing her face on his leg and pushing herself up on her palms just a little. "No, I didn't.. I don't want to be grown up,"

She didn't want to start crying again, but with the heat behind her eyes and the shaking in her arms she couldn't help it.

"Oh, oh, love, " Murdoc said instantly, and he reached his thin arms around her middle where she was propped up to pull her close. With his guidance, she was now leaned into his shoulder with her knees still in his lap, her arms hanging limply at her sides. "Shh, shh, you don't have to be grown any more. We have you now. You can be a kid again."

If she was feeling better, she would have told him what for - told him that he was the reason she had grown up too fast, that he was the reason that she couldn't have a normal childhood, that he was the reason she was crying on the couch at 3 AM. But instead, she sobbed loudly into his shoulder, her weak arms wrapping around his neck and her hair getting into his mouth, just melting into her father and letting him take away her worries like she was five years old without an educated view on the world.

"Let it out, love. I have you now, I have you." Murdoc mumbled, not minding the hair in his mouth and the snot on his bare shoulder. "And I'm never letting you go again."

It took much less time than he thought it might as he sat there on the sofa, petting her hair and letting her cry, for her to fall asleep. But when she did, he pressed a tiny kiss into her black locks, turned off the TV, and went to sleep with his tiny daughter in his lap.


End file.
